Well ok, you knew that already. See, Dr Dumbass was my alter ego. Now I think he’s kicked the shit out of Dr Satch and taken over. Tell me what you think. The players involved…a bucket, a bicycle with two flat tires, a bottle of whiskey and yours truly.
I start my weekend by heading up to the dropzone to make some skydives. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s safer than what was to come. Here’s the problem…my drinking club has a skydiving problem. It’s what we do while waiting for the sun to go down so the booze can come out.
Weather came down so the day of jumping ended early. We fired up the barbeque and cracked open the bottles. I hadn’t seen my friends in a while, so I was doing some extra “socializing.”
After throwing a few whiskey drinks back, I see a bike. I hadn’t ridden a bike in a long time and thought, “What the hell!” This ain’t no regular street bike or mountain bike. It’s BMX style baby! Enter…the bucket! A buddy of mine thought it would be a good idea to pull a small bucket out for me to jump…ok so I thought it was a good idea, too. I circled around and went for it. Didn’t clear it very well, but success! Being the perfectionist that I am, it wasn’t good enough. I had to go for it again. I heard cheers as my small fan base yelled faster, faster! So I did what any good hero would do, I went faster. (Did I mention there was whiskey involved?) This one didn’t go so well. The back tire hit the bucket and I hit the pavement. Holy shit that hurt!
After a couple minutes of pain, my (then) girlfriend (ajka Nurse Satch) asked if I was ok. I responded with, “You wanna feel something gross?” She put her hand on my shoulder and felt the big bump from my snapped collar bone trying to poke through the skin. NICE! Damn whiskey!
Off to the hospital. After being seen by the doctor, they injected some sort of pain killer. I’m pretty sure it was heroin. That stuff seriously messed me up. Of course, we can’t rule out the effects of the alcohol in my system. Most people have had tunnel vision to some degree at one point or another, but I actually had what I can only describe as tunnel hearing. If I looked directly at the person speaking, I could make out what they were saying above the horrid ringing in my ears, but everyone else around that was talking sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Oh crap! Here’s comes the BBQ again!
We finish there and start the hour and a half drive back home armed with a brace, a sling and a prescription for percocet. I couldn’t think of a better place to be then Walgreens at 4:00am. I needed drugs. God bless those 24hr pharmacies!
I won’t bore you with the multiple visits to the doctor, but surgery was definately in order. I ended up with a plate and 10 screws holding the pieces of bone together. The 2 pictures are before surgery and after surgery.
The moral of the story…WHISKEY AND BICYCLES DON’T FUCKING MIX! Especially when you’re 2 weeks shy of being elegible for medical insurance.
Remember kids, I’m a professional. Don’t try this at home.